Couples: Improve Communication & Understanding

When I work with couples, I sometimes see them argue in session. I was recently working with one of my couples who started our session by catching me up on their week. When they recounted a recent disagreement, they soon slipped into replaying the argument, each person focused on defending their actions.

Seeing this, I paused them before things got heated and asked, “What were you feeling initially?” After a moment, each shared the emotions driving their reactions. This shift allowed them to move beyond content and context to real understanding, processing their feelings and seeing each other’s vulnerability. By the end of session, they validated each other’s vulnerabilities and planned a date for the following week!

Nearly every couple—myself included—has been caught in this cycle. It’s easy to get lost in the details of an argument, but focusing on specifics often keeps couples from truly processing what happened. Small details that feel accusatory or judgmental can trigger emotional reactions, and soon the real issue is buried under defensiveness.

But processing an argument requires a different approach. It asks couples to pause, reflect, and share what they’re feeling without judgment. Vulnerability is key.

So what are some helpful tips to help you or any couple move beyond the details of arguments to better understanding and communication?

• Pause and Identify Emotions
  Before diving into who said what, take a moment to pause. Ask yourself and each other, “What am I feeling right now?” This small step can bring awareness to emotions like frustration, hurt, or fear that may be underlying your reactions.

• Shift from Blame to Curiosity
  Instead of focusing on fault, get curious about each other’s experiences. Ask open-ended questions like, “What did you need from me in that moment?” or “How did this situation make you feel?”

• Use “I” Statements
  Try to phrase things in a way that highlights your own feelings and needs, like “I felt hurt when…” or “I need reassurance about…”. This reduces defensiveness and opens the door for empathy.

• Take Breaks When Needed
  If you find yourselves getting caught up in the details, it can be helpful to pause the conversation. Step away, calm down, and come back when you’re both ready to refocus on understanding each other’s emotions.

• Practice Active Listening
  Make an effort to listen fully, without interrupting. Reflect back what your partner shares, like “I hear that you felt ___, and that makes sense.” This acknowledgment helps each of you feel validated and seen.

Conclusion

In any relationship, it’s easy to get stuck in the back-and-forth of arguments. By focusing on the emotions behind the conflict, you can break free from the cycle of content-driven arguments and connect on a deeper level. Remember, it’s not about who was “right” or “wrong”; it’s about truly understanding each other and creating a space where vulnerability and open communication can thrive.

And if you or someone you know is looking to start therapy or a new therapist, schedule a consultation with me through this link.