How To Work Through the All-or-Nothing Mentality
We’ve all been there. We start feeling really good about ourselves, thinking we can accomplish everything. We, understandably, set big goals—get up early, eat healthy, work out every day, maintain social engagements, kill it at work, etc. And for a while, we manage to keep up with it all.
But then… life happens.
You have a tough day at work. You get into an argument with a partner, friend, or co-worker. You get sick and miss a workout. Your kids need more attention. Suddenly, it becomes harder to meet the goals you set. That feeling of “I can do it all!” fades, and suddenly you feel like a failure.
With that feeling of failure often comes the opposite extreme: nothing. You ask yourself, “What’s the point?” Negative self-talk creeps in, and you start believing you can’t accomplish anything. You fall into the mentality of doing nothing.
This is the "all-or-nothing" mentality. One of my clients has struggled with this as well. When she’s in the all-or-nothing mindset, she experiences great successes, but when life throws her a curveball, it’s hard for her to recover. She feels like a failure and blames herself instead of recognizing that not everything is within her control. In our sessions, she realized that her anxiety drives this mindset as a way to try and control everything in her life. As she’s learned that she can’t control it all, we’ve worked on ways to soften this rigid thinking.
So, how can we work through the all-or-nothing mentality?
Raise awareness of your internal dialogue – Start noticing how you talk to yourself when things don’t go as planned.
Speak to yourself with compassion – Talk to yourself the way you would a good friend. Be kind and understanding rather than harsh or critical.
Set realistic and manageable goals – Start small. Instead of aiming to overhaul your entire routine, try setting one achievable goal, like eating one healthy meal or doing one workout a week.
Learn self-soothing strategies – When anxiety creeps in, have calming techniques to bring you back to the present. You can find some examples on this post.
Celebrate your successes – Write down what you’ve been doing well. This list can help remind you of your progress when things feel overwhelming.
My client has made great strides by becoming more compassionate with herself. When she’s feeling good, she accomplishes her goals. When she doesn’t hit every mark, she’s learning to speak gently to herself and adjust her goals to meet her current needs. She also keeps an ongoing list of the positive things she’s accomplished and refers to them when she gets stuck in the "all-or-nothing” mentality.
Conclusion
Softening the all-or-nothing mentality takes time and effort, but with patience and compassion, we can all shift toward a more balanced mindset.
And if you or someone you know is looking to start therapy or a new therapist, schedule a consultation with me through this link.